Oh my, what happened? I know I have been a little off lately, but when I took a peak at my last post I was startled to read it dated from July! Well, my 41st birthday has silently gone by but otherwise some changes have taken place. Last time I wrote: "After 9 years of pills, I am now on my own". I am sorry to say this pill-free episode didn't last very long. Around the time I wrote that, my anxiety/panic-attacks came back so badly that I had no choice but to start back on anti-depressants once again. Because in those past 9 years I have greatly suffered from side-effects of these meds, I was put on yet another one: I can now say I have tried 8 different ones so far. My current medication is tailored to depression and anxiety, so it helps me in both areas now. But before I could enjoy the benefits of this decision, I had to deal with the worst anxiety-attack in my life because of the medication. Luckily my psychiatrist warned me: it felt like a downright psychosis. Bless you if you cannot imagine what that is like! 
In the meantime, school ha started again and life needed to go on... Needless to say I haven't been beading. The sad thing is though: I haven't been beading ever since summer. To be honest, I really don't know what has been keeping me. It can't be a lack of time because with losing my job I now have more time on my hands then before. Maybe my inner-voices can shed a little light on that?There is one voice that keeps on telling me to start again, or I won't be back on track. Then continueing that my work can hardly be taken seriously, because I haven't kept up... But wait a minute: didn't the BJP-rules state that there was only one commmitment, being the one to myself? To go on that there were no such thing as a BJP-police to arrest me if I could not keep up? So frankly, the only one who has to take this seriously is me again! Hmm... my inner-critic is still here and trying to shout in my face so blatantly that I won't buy it this time.
Last time I also wrote: "(...) I think I will not bead the inside of me for a change... I need some vacation from me. Well, I need a little time off of all the therapeutic issues I have been dealing (and beading) with." The biggest thing holding me back I think is the fact that my May-piece didn't come on quite easily (and is still an unfinished one at that too). Loyal as I usually am to the rules I set myself - and believe me, they are quite strict - I wouldn't allow me to start another project before the last one was finished and since I got stuck on that one... there is a huge roadblock to overcome. So, let me start the climb back to the BJP by showing how far I did get om May:
Why my piece is all black&white I will tell you on a later date, i.e. when it has been finished. For now I hope to be back soon both in blogging and in beading. The first step has been set, and that is always the start of progress.
The fatal metaphor of progress, which means leaving things behind us, has utterly obscured the real idea of growth, which means leaving things inside us.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936) British journalist, novelist and poet.
This is a terrific start on the page! I love the texture you are adding. I'm so glad you're not going to give up on the BJP :-)
ReplyDeleteWell, life isn't always black and white either! I really like this piece and glad you are 'coming back'! Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteJust show up. That's all. Don't try to create some major piece; don't try to win any awards. Just show up.
ReplyDeleteWho cares if you're behind? I still have one piece left to finish and I have every plan of finishing it. And it;s two years later. When I fell behind over the Summer, I skipped ahead to the current month and kept up from there...then I went backwards.
I bike with a group of really incredible athletes. They bike SO much better than me...so much faster...and more beautifully. I can't think of any of that. I just show up on my bike and I do my best and I'm better at the end of the ride because I didn't sit home on my couch.
God love you. And I hope you'll just show up. Big love and hugs, Susan
Thank you for updating us, Dees. It sounds as though you have been to hell and back, but I hope more back as time progresses. Your BJP piece is very intriguing. I really like what you are doing so far and look forward to what you have to say about it as you continue beading.
ReplyDeleteHugs,Susan
I've stopped setting rules for myself (mostly) but when I get really stuck I tell myself I must sew ONE bead onto the piece...this usually gets me charged up and I end up putting on a few beads, but I also have days when I just read...no beading, no photography, no drawing. Maybe you need a vacation from that little interior voice, lol!
ReplyDeleteI love the work you are doing...whether you finish it or not, I'm enjoying the process and what I see you doing.
Welcome back, Dees!!!
ReplyDeleteI have been missing your beading and blogging very much. Depression and anxiety are cruel diseases, that I know from my own (anxiety) and my husband's (depression) experiences. You are so not alone in this.
I have a suggestion for you, which you may feel quite free to take or leave with absolutely no judgements from me. I suggest you find a peaceful moment, close your eyes and invite color into your mind. Make note of whatever color first appears and seems compelling to you. Find a bead or beads of this color and add it/them to your piece somewhere. Let it be there even though you have your good/valid reasons to be making this piece in black, white and grey. Let it represent hope and/or faith.
As always, Dees, your work is beautiful the way it is, and of course I'm looking forward to seeing it as it progresses. Again, welcome home!
Hugs, Robin A.