Sunday, June 20, 2010

BJP for april 2010

It's been a long time since I've posted, a hazardous journey has begun but I am still here to tell about it.

OK, now is time for a confession: aside from being genetically endowed with genes that make depression run in our family, I also suffer from what is called a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is hard for me to say this, as for a long time I felt that being diagnosed with BPD meant that one was the kind of person no one would want to be around. Deciding to accept my diagnosis and open myself up to deal with it and start healing was a giant leap. That's why I choose the rabbithole from Alice in Wonderland as my theme for april. Seeing Alice in 3D on the brink of my great adventure seemed like more than a coincidence.

As it is in myth and fairy-tales, the heroine often sets out on a bad start. And so did I on my april piece. I wrote all about that in my previous post. Work on this piece was quite labourious. I got stuck numerous times, started over, got set back, picked it up again... I surrounded the hole by fresh green grass, beaded some pahtways alongside of it, added a few of the beaded flowers that I had made in advance... and now I have something to show for all my effort.

For the first 3 months I divided my pieces in seperate sections and wrote about them, naming them. Not so this time. That's a first for me: I usually need to stick to something once I have started a routine. For me to break that rule feels quite scary. But this is an adventure that is (among others) about breaking the rules of my inner critic! What is most visible in this piece is that the surroundings of my rabbithole are you could say chaotic, but more lovingly I would say variegated. It is, what it is and it is one piece.

I love that the tiny green and red flowerbeads date back from my early teens, when I first picked up making jewelry. The medal dates back even further and is mine from an event called de avondvierdaagse. This is a very Dutch event, where schoolchildren walk a distance varying from 5 to 15 km on 4 consecutive nights. When you have finished your first time around you get a medal, and in later years a small pin to go on the ribbon. I have walked it a couple of times, but only have this medal and no pins. I used it for 2 reasons: I needed me to be in this piece and I deserved some encouragement for having the guts to start this endeavor.

I have chosen Chopin's Etude opus10 nr. 1 to go with my piece. It reflects the ultimate chaos I experienced just before I started my treatment, yet it is one of the most brilliant pieces of pianomusic I know. I hope that's how this all will work out in the end: that I have learned to hear and appreciate all the different tunes in me, that in the end make... ME. So you could say I have landed on the bottom of the hole, and now am out to find my jabberwocky. I have met the red queen, seen glimpses of the white queen... This tale is not over yet.


  1. Wonderful. As an observer, I would think that discontinuing the divide of your page in your comments is a huge advancement. Afterall, the entire piece respresents what you think and who you are as a whole.

    You should not feel fear of judgement in revealing your mental disease. After all, it is a physical disease. I myself suffer from depression and have passed mental illness to my daughter and she to my grandson, both BPD. A hard admission and hard to live with each other, but at least we understand.

    Good luck to you in your treatment. Many of us understand exactly what you live with.
    xx, Carol

  2. Part of healing may be sharing your journey with others -- certainly it will give each of us the hope and encouragement to meet our own challenges. Your April piece tells your story and it is beautiful. Thanks for sharing this with us.

  3. Thank you for sharing the story behind the piece...very often, I'm finding, as I look at other bjp pieces that the stories move me more than the actual beadwork and that the story then makes the beadwork even more precious.

  4. You have shared an inspirational story, and a *lovely* work of art to detail your healing. Many good wishes.

  5. dees i love looking at your pieces. the stories behind them give them so much more meaning. i thought your work was beautiful before i read, but then after i thought it had so much more depth. you are inspirational to me, and i appreciate you so very much.

  6. Ohmygoodness...I just love that Etude. How absolutely perfect to go with your healing piece.

  7. I think you did a fantastic job on this piece!!! It's beautiful and I think is more important to you because of the struggles you had. Very nice job!! congrats!

  8. Congratulations on adding YOU to this piece. Your words, "I have learned to hear and appreciate all the different tunes in me, that in the end make... ME" are extremely important. No matter if we suffer depression/BPD or not, we all need to integrate and honor our chaotic and mixed parts. Your journey is quite an inspiration. Thanks you so much for sharing it with us.

    Robin A.

  9. Some times when I read your posts I wish with all my heart that I could visit you. You have one beautiful soul and the openness you fight to create in yourself is evidence of your own fight for survival. You are such a powerful person in spite of your diagnosis.

    I too am glad that you've taken away the borders...that you look at the whole. And look what good continues to come from a bad beginning? No, my dear Dees, the tale is far from over. And I hope you realize that you have a whole band of traveling companions willing you to slay your Jabberwocky.

  10. You said it exactly right "genetically endowed." We wind up with physical and emotional baggage as part of our inheritance and the emotional should hold no more stigma than the physical. I think it's wonderful you have the courage to share what you're going through.

    I love this piece. The rabbit hole especially attracts me. It feels a little scary but kind of safe also. A beautiful piece of music also. I wish you luck in integrating your different tunes.


Thank you for reading my blog and joining me on my voyage into life with and without beads. I hope it brings you new thoughts and inspiration.
Love to see you back!


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