March is well on its way to hand over to april and here I am, posting on my febuary BJP page. Time is flying when your beading! I did the same to this page, as I did to my january page. But before I start my own story, I want to thank all of you who took the effort to really look and listen to my piece and left a comment on what it told them. I was moved by all of your reactions and didn't expect so many of them to be right on the mark!
Most of you saw the breaks in my heart, the mends (there was even a zipper conceived) and the growth. There were thunderclouds, butterfly-souls, scars, light and darkness but all ended well so I lived happily ever after. However silly this last sentence may sound, I must admit that I hadn't expected so many honest, warm comments and so much love expressed through them. It has really lifted me up in the very hard times I am going through right now. So before I start telling you my own story, I want to express a heartfelt: Thank you !!
1. what is (in) my heart?
It all started with a piece of off-white felt, and a whole, red felt heart. I don't know exactly what brought me to cut it into pieces, but somehow after I had cut out the heart I felt the need to divide it. Thing is that probably as a side-effect of my depression I often feel like I am shattered to pieces: dark&light, sad&bright, black&white. I often struggle to unite these pieces and have a feeling of "me". More often then not I don't have this feeling of being whole, I usually feel torn and tossed between all the extremes that my emotions and thoughts show me.
The top right-parts that were "zipped" together have a little secret behind them. On my first day in hospital I found a € 0.05 coin on the floor of my room. It struck me like a lucky-penny and that's why I wanted it in my piece. Somewhere in my heart, there is some luck hidden. Locked up for now, but there for when time is right.
2. hold on tight
The sun always shines behind the clouds is the English phrase, in Dutch we say: "after rain the sun comes out" (my translation). It is the darknes that dissolves to light, but with a heart at the center of the darkness. There always is something good to come out of hard times, though often we can hardly perceive it when we are in the middle of such turmoil. So I will have to hold on tightly and sit the ride out.
3. the garden of life
I first had my heart cut up in pieces, but pinned it to the backing in the right shape and order. While beading I realized that just part of me felt really dislocated right now, in need of mending. That's why I relocated this one piece, just outlining where it had been, and put it in my little garden where it can grow and heal again. Like in a real garden, a lot of work needs to be done and that is what I am looking at now.
4. missing parts&turmoil
So this missing part is just outlined, showing where it should be and was, but now it is threatened by dark clouds and and almost sucked into the dark whirlpool below. There is a steep path shearing right next to my heart and I must cling on to not fall into this darkness. But it is not pitchblack, there still is some light so I can try to stay on top and see a little of the beauty that is hidden in this darkness.
5. one day I'll fly away
The thought of the butterflies representing my soul is not farfetched at all. It was the last piece of the project that I beaded and I did indeed intend to represent my wish to sometime be able to fly away from the sorrow that is inside me. I wanted to ensure myself that one day, I will be able to put all this behind me and fly into the clouds, the sunlight... I used red thread with matte beads to connect the flight and air to the heart. It don't want to fly away from my heart, because no matter what, it still is mine.So now branching of to march, but that is to come in another post. Those who have known me for some time now, also know I will not leave you emtyhanded. I found this beautifull music-video of Chinese classical Folk Music, interpreted by the Vanessa Mae. Very calming to listen to and a joy to watch.
I started to write something cryptic here and erased it all. I truly know what you are going through. Believe me. And it doesn't surprise me that your cyber friends have come to lift you and hold you and send you their healing energy. I felt that from them myself last year when I was at my lowest. I was surprised as you are now. That though they didn't know me, they understood.
ReplyDeleteLike your butterfly, you will fly up to joy, I feel sure. In the meantime, keep us close to you because we truly and honestly care.
Carol
You are already flying, my dear, you just haven't realized it yet. Your work is stunning and your words are magnificent. Keep writing...keep beading...it's a delight to watch your flying lessons...xo Susan
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your thoughts as you beaded this one. i think the whole thing turned out really great, even if some of the subject matter is a little sad. but i think the overall theme (to me) is hope.
ReplyDeletei hope you are doing well. keep me posted with a little note on how you are when you have some time.
btw, i nominated you for a blogging award, so if you want to read about it, it's on my blog.
i hope you have a happy day!
I am thoroughly enjoying my first visit to your blog, gaining new insight into beading and lots of inspiration.
ReplyDeleteDees, please, will you email me a jpeg of this piece? It is one of the most touching and insightful interpretive pieces I've ever seen. Even without the explanations, it says volumes about a life in need of some healing yet with hope and a secret-good-luck penny. Your writing, too, is inspirational. Even if we don't suffer medical level depression, we've all seen the dark side of life or had a shattered heart from time to time. This piece should be in an art show in a museum because anybody can relate to it! I hope it will be some day. More than that, I hope you are flying with butterflies more times than not. Hugs, Robin A.
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